My Hair

There it is.

What's a good reason to post pictures of yourself, do you think? One I can think of; imagine yourself as a young child, perhaps a teenager. What would you think of your "look" now? I see a lot of people sighing with regret that they used to look to amazing and free when they were younger, I wonder if I'll ever look back like that? I feel that if anything, getting older (so far) has taught me that if I think it's beautiful that's reason enough to do it. You can be afraid that people will think you're taking an aesthetic too seriously, but there are worse things than being thought "too old" to act on an aspiration. I think of my future self, sometimes (I hope I'll have beautiful dreadlocks at my wedding), but usually vaguely.
But mostly if I feel the need to compare myself, I might think about all the things I couldn't or wouldn't dare to do when I was younger, and how proud my younger self would be to see me acting on my desires now.

Art Backlog 2011 Part 2

All of these images are available for fullview in my gallery.

Art Backlog 2011 Part 1

All of these images can be viewed in full at my gallery.

Moodboard #2 Black Forest Antique

Another moodboard I made today. Again, most of the images I used can be found on my tumblr.

Moodboard #1 Silk Road Vintage

A moodboard I created today. Most of the images I used can be found on my tumblr.

Dreads

Around 3 1/2 months ago, I started dreading my hair. I realized that it was no longer an issue of commitment, as I've had dreaded extensions for almost 4 years previous to this.
I was telling myself that I was afraid of being held back, but I began to realize that I'd be where I really wanted to be regardless of something liked dread locks, and that if anything I was being more held back by (kick me for sounding so cliche but it's true) being something other than what reflected my true aesthetic self.
I know who I am and who I want to be aesthetically, I've been drawing this aspiration in pictures for years now. She appeared a long time ago, and it was a manifestation of myself. People have said that I my drawings look like me, but I explain that I look like my drawings....that I have become more like my drawings as time passes.
I thought it was kind of funny that in one of the pictures I took tonight the drawing behind me mirrors my profile:The drawing in the background: I actually have the gold earrings in the picture I drew, and I did get them after drawing it. I'm actually pretty proud that I have become closer and closer to my art. I think that as an artist it's a good thing to be in close enough touch with your art to embody it.

I had a really good night out with friends last night.
We ate dinner at the house of a friend named Ramsey, who is an excellent cook.
As Ramsey often does, he was encouraging me to try my had at some dishes and help him prepare ingredients. I was thinking about how I don't really like to draw so much any more, how I feel like I can't just cook effortlessly like I used to, how every time I have a house plant I feel like it's going to die.
I sort of wondered what that was about, why I feel a veil between myself and so many creative, intuitive activities.
I haven't been unhappy at all, I've tried a lot of new things lately, and i still write and love to dress up. It's not as though I'm having some existential crisis that is destroying my entire life by sucking out my creative soul.
But still, I suppose that a toll is taken by working two jobs, by pushing myself to be more successful and a bigger part of the community.
When I created art, cooked, worked with my plants...I think I was often escaping, turning my back on the world and being a little narcissistic. Creating everything in my own idealized images, thoughts, and forms. It was a very self-obsessed act.

And then, standing in Ramsey's kitchen, I was watching Kenny take his instruction on cutting up parsley, and just had a strange sense of release, of weight being lifted.

Some things I own that I like very much:

Dreams

I dream about houses a lot. I dream about running in old houses; houses with hidden rooms and peeling white paint on the walls. I dream often that the walls are shaky and the foundation is slipping. The houses are tall and spindly some times, and I have a mild vertigo as I climb the stairs, feeling like a drunk....disoriented and dizzy, off balance.
I dream that I don't believe that the house can stand, that it will fall around me and I'll fall with it, but I still strangely love it and can't leave it. In the end it's often all okay, and I feel a little stupid for having doubted it's integrity.

I See You There

In Response to The Zeitgeist Movement:

"The term ‘terrorist’ is an empty distinction designed for any person or group that chooses to challenge the establishment. This isn’t to be confused with the fictional ‘Al Qaeda’, which as actually the name of a computer database of the U.S.-supported Mujahadeen in the 1980′s.

In 2007, the Department of Defense received 161.8 billion dollars for the so-called global war on terrorism. According to the national counter-terrorism center, in 2004 roughly 2000 people were killed internationally due to supposed terrorist acts. Of that number, 70 were American. Using this number as a general average, which is extremely generous, it is interesting to note that twice as many people die from peanut allergies a year than from terrorist acts. Concurrently, the leading cause of death in America is coronary heart disease, killing roughly 450,000 each year. And in 2007, the government’s allocation of funds for research on this issue was about three billion dollars. This means, that the US government, in 2007, spent 54 times the amount for preventing terrorism, than it spent for preventing for the disease, which kills 6600 times more people annually, than terrorism does. Yet, as the name terrorism and Al Queda are arbitrarily stamped on every news report relating to any action taken against US interests the myth grows wider!

In mid 2008 the “US Attorney General” actually proposed, that the US congress officially declare war against the fantasy. Not to mention as of July 2008, there are now over 1 million people currently on the US terrorist watch list.

These so called “Counter-Terrorism Measures” of course had nothing to do with social protection, and everything to do with preserving the establishment amongst the growing Anti-American sentiment both domestically and internationally, which is legitimately founded on the greed based corporate empire expansion that is exploiting the world.

The true terrorists of our world, do not meet at the docks at midnight or scream “Allah Akbar” before some violent action. The true terrorists of our world, wear 5000 dollar suits, and work in the highest positions of finance, government and business."

If I had a nickel for every time some one on tumblr posted something to the effect of “don’t believe what that conservative/establishment tells you, believe what I tell you because I can blow your mind with perspective and statistics” but was being on just as shaky logical ground as conservatives...

Yeah. I’d be rich.

This person isn’t incorrect about their statistics, but there’s a lot about this that is just as knee-jerk paranoia as Glenn Beck. It's the “independent ultra-anti-government pseudo-anarchists who don’t trust authority” stuff I see on there, it's all over the place. It’s great that they want to put their two cents in and remind people never to believe anything blindly, but it’s a gaping fallacy to compare the kind of damage it does to a culture when people die from peanut allergies vs. several thousand people dying at a time because some one wanted them dead very badly. And let’s face it, if you’re not a fan of being told what to do or being threatened with violence and death by an ultra-conservative fundamentalist, May 1st, 2011 was a good day for you either way. Osama bin Laden was extremely serious about destroying those who did not believe as he did, so just because he’s not an evil we are used to calling out on tumblr every day in our comfortable progressive western existence, it’s not so trifling a matter as the threat of peanut allergies.

Sorry, I’m not trying to call these people out for sharing their opinions, but I really DO see so much knee-jerk anti-authority-don’t-trust-the-government fashion hipster nonsense on here and I think that half the time people saying it have never seriously considered that their insight might be better served repairing the system instead of unplugging from it, and this “don’t trust anyone in a suit” crap seems just a little too automatic for me. Especially when it’s in regards to the final defeat of OSAMA BIN LADEN. He was a guy who killed to defend an ideology against progressivism, feminism, sexual freedom, civil rights, and religious plurality. So yeah, I’d call him a terrorist and a pretty messed up person.

Those corrupt persons in $5,000 business suits came to furnish evil in their lives just as the rest of us do (even those without privilege): they let it seep in through weakness and greed. They had motive and opportunity and let their weaker influences lead them to turn their backs on victims they usually didn’t have to look in the eye. This is very bad, but it’s not on the same level as seeking to do violence against those who do not believe as you do. This is not the same thing as buying into fundamentalism against all the scientific information available to you today, and it’s not the same as this or this or this kind of evil. Period.

“The pieces of the bodies of infidels were flying like dust particles. If you would have seen it with your own eyes, you would have been very pleased, and your heart would have been filled with joy.”

Long Overdue Art Post III

The last round of back-logged art:


These are all my original works.

Long Overdue Art Post II

Another set from earlier this year...


These are all my original works.

Long Overdue Art Post I

It's been a while since I've put up any art, so there's a bit of a back log...




These are all my original works.

Home Update:

My livingroom, with Ghostbusters II playing on the TV.

And from the other side....

I Don't Have Anything To Share

I just like to watch all of you.

Golden Gate Park

Golden Gate Park:



Some pictures from the Redwood Forest trail in the Botanical Gardens....

It reminds me of the Olympic National Forest, except on a much smaller scale! I miss that place, it is so vibrant, life and moisture and sap and green seeping in from the very air!















Next was the California Native Plants Trail, and then a lovely mother duck with her eggs!



























I think that one egg was broken, sadly, and she must be sitting on the rest. Poet took this picture, it's lovely.

He also took these ones of me, he sure is talented! How dramatic!























I took this picture of Poet, he's not the only one who can take classy pictures! (Although his are obviously much more professional, but I think I still make him look pretty!)














This one he took of me at home, in front of our classy mantle on top of our classy fainting couch. He insisted we needed "classy" pictures. Whatever you say, Abeulo.




So, speaking of neat vintage and San Francisco related things, I recently had occasion to visit Loved to Death on Haight Street.
Oh my, such amazingness! I couldn't believe how good their prices were, if you are into antiquarian, steam punk, taxidermy, or dead things in general, you have to make this visit. I got, among other things, a fox skull for $35. Very fair, more than fair! I will post pictures of all the cool stuff I got there soon.

Golden Advice

Firstly, the situation at hand:
"Time to confront your demons.

Hell is our own creation. We cannot move forward in our lives without facing that which torments us. The more we understand and face our fears, the less power they have over us. Fear of failure may be preventing you from reaching your full potential. Look back at all that you have weathered in the past to see that you have the strength to survive if things go wrong. This may help you to realise[sic] that it is worth taking risks in order to do what you think is right. This is a card of temptation and perhaps addiction. Depending upon where it appears in a spread, it could indicate a need for the subject to question their own motives. Are they following a path deliberately that could be destructive?"

The Devil:

The path to resolution:
"Horses will only follow the reigns if they want to.

Leadership of a team. Pragmatism, collaboration and compromise. A victory obtained by working with others, not against them. It is time to analyse[sic] the causes of problems you encounter, and change what you can about yourself in order to overcome them. Changing one's own behaviour[sic] is more likely to succeed than trying to change the behaviour[sic] of others."

I think this so appropriate, and helpful. When applied to the situation I'm in(or more like coming out of), it rather reminds me of The Metamorphoses, considering how it was preceded by this:
The catalyzing action:
"Do what is right.

Fairness, justice and equal opportunity. Fate may aim to give all what they deserve, but sometimes she needs a helping hand, and the strong should help the weak."

Justice:

The Golden Tarot by Kat Black

Thank you, thank you for all the messages, the encouragement, the little indicators. Thank you for every sign that now is a time to improve my life and my action. By putting an image of the most indecent human nature in front of me, you made me understand that when it comes to living a moral life, what goes around comes around. And not just because we hope people get just desserts, "karma" is less about getting what's coming to you and almost entirely about maintaining, pruning, and upkeeping your moral heart.
I was already aware of this concept, yes. From Mengzi I had learned that we all have the seeds of virtue and vice within us, and that is those seeds that we nurture that determine our nature.
However, this recent experience made the dangers of failing to constantly check moral vigilance frighteningly clear. Life will always find a way to scare the pants off you by showing you a person, object, or situation that gives you a mirror to what lies in store if you follow your own worst inclinations.
While what I saw was immeasurably far off from where I could even imagine finding myself, it taught me an important lesson about always acting in a manner in which you can endure past the worst possible interpretations of your own behavior. We must not allow ourselves to lower our standards in the company we keep, for in order to tolerate them we learn to tolerate their values, and if we don't see eye to eye on issues so basic as kindness, honesty, and esteem, we can only hurt ourselves by back sliding. The more we let them shroud our instinct, the more our introspective mirror becomes shrouded, the more we gaze in the bitter glass, the more we are tempted by the whispers of subtle guile.
The more we nurture the seeds of deception and of denial, the more they grow to obscure the best of what we are. Please, to all those still putting up with the double talk, the entanglement, cut back the brambles before it becomes impossible. But it is never impossible.
Never have anything in your life that you don't want to know the truth about. It may sound preachy or redundant, but wait until you have the fear of a remorseless heart before you, ready to harm and tear asunder all that you take for granted, then the message is terribly cold and imminent.
The best way to avoid the situation The Devil card presents is to follow the message of The Justice card, with the confidence and initiative of the The Chariot card.

New Goodies

I found these cordial glasses for $2 a piece at our favorite antique store yesterday:















Detail:
I love the gold detail, they are adorable! I almost want drink absinthe out of them, but I have never been a fan of anise/liquorish flavored things. I know I'll just end up staring at them on a shelf, I don't drink any liquors! haha
I also purchased the red candy dish and vase in the background from the same store, also for less than $5 each, although I don't recall how much. Also, we picked up a coffee table there. It's not spectacular but it was only $49, and it is certainly a better fit for our home than the modern(read: cheap), black, presumably IKEA-born table we had before.

Friend

–noun

1.

a person attached to another by feelings of affection, esteem, or personal regard.

This is a subject of particular relevance to me in the last year, because everywhere you go in mainstream American culture, you hear, "don't let any body judge you," "don't judge me!"
I've even been told by some rather needy people "not to judge" them when they spiral into self destruction or badly use myself or their other friends without return.
So, I wonder; where did this idea come from that we are supposed to suspend morality for our friends of all people?

I'm firm believer in the idea that we should be helping people through the hard times, and have history of doing so, but friendship should NEVER be unconditional. That's just a bunch of nonsense.
To me, friendship means that you have a relationship with some you like, have affection for, but most of all hold in mutual esteem.
I hear a lot of this grade-school romanticism talk wherein people say to each other, "I'll be there for you no matter what!"
No, I won't. I even had a conversation with my own mother, wherein we were in total agreement that if one of us became a Nazi we'd expect the other to cut that person off. I know that my mom holds not only love, but friendship for me as well, so it's out of respect for the person I am that she doesn't care for the person I'm not.
You hold friends responsible for what they do, if they are going through hard times then you exercise patience, give them chances to change their lives, and you help them out with all your reasonable(and some times not so reasonable) means, but if they become someone you don't like THEN THEY AREN'T YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE. Here, I am talking about behaviors that become habitual. I'm a firm believer that if friend A is behaving badly, and friend B is counseling A to make changes and A becomes unpleasantly recognizable, then B is not so much demonstrating loyalty as they are demonstrating codependency and facilitation.
I have found that it is characteristic of grade-school relationships (which are fewer but not gone in adult life) is that the only way B can help A change at this point is to send the most powerful message about A's behavior possible and break off contact. B can expound however they wish about how disappointed and unsettled they are about A's behavior, but if the behavior continues and B sticks around indefinitely, the only message A receives is that their behavior is ultimately allowable. Not only is this bad for B, it's extremely bad for A because it reinforces a lack of character and teaches them not to hold themselves accountable. This is a situation wherein "tough love" is necessary.

As I said, I don't AT ALL cleave to the notion that friendship means "no matter what."
Maybe that makes my friendships sound worthlessly conditional, but I like to think that I don't form friendships like some people form relationships; because I'm just plain scared of being alone, and that's going to be my overwhelming motivator.

No, friends, I won't be there for you no matter what. I love you for who you are, if you turn into a monster then you're some one else and not my friend.
I'm friends with you because of who you are, you earned it, I like you for your unique personality that includes traits I admire and hold in very high esteem. If you don't resemble that at all, no, I don't still like you. Why keep the flame going when it always ends in pain after that happens? There is more than enough emphirical support for that!

I'm a firm believer (maybe just short of Ayn Rand, haha) in respecting autonomy and the idea of the sacred definition of each personality. Respect yourself first, and you have the keys to the kingdom of respecting the whole world, and thereby using empathy effectively.
This definition of friendship I'm undressing does not respect individuals, neither B or A. That's the definition of co dependence. It's keeping acquaintances around cause you're too scared to end it and are afraid of having no one to drink with Saturday night.
The friends I have I love more than that, and that's why I can trust their particular brand of impartiality, because I know they'll check my behavior when I step out of line instead of permissively allowing me to fall into moral disrepair. Hard times are aptly the hardest times to make good decisions, and that's when you need people judging you the most. "Judging," as I hear it used by the layman, is often thought of as the opposite of it's definition; as forming a conclusion based on a lack of evidence. Judgment:
–noun

1.

an act or instance of judging.

2.

the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, esp. in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion: a man of sound judgment.

3.

the demonstration or exercise of such ability or capacity: The major was decorated for the judgment he showed under fire.

4.

the forming of an opinion, estimate, notion, or conclusion, as from circumstances presented to the mind: Our judgment as to the cause of his failure must rest on the evidence.

5.

the opinion formed: He regretted his hasty judgment.

Notice that their are 4 perfectly lovely definitions of judgment before a negative context is presented. I think peoples' omission of this is behind a notion that we should suspend judgment. Which is just silly. Imagine walking around with your eyes closed to everything! Sadly it happens, and people who do so are mostly incapable of not forming mores of some kind,* simply end up applying it to themselves(don't judge me!) and still judge other people all the more sporadically, and therefore with extreme results(gossip instead of honestly telling some one how you feel).

Anyone on the street can "be supportive" and tell me what I want to hear while I go on a drug bender and do all sorts of messed up things those around me, or some other such thing. Lying, bullshitting, and omission are surprisingly easy in the moment, even if they prove unprofitable in the long run.
Only a real friend will have to cajones to speak up to me in spite of how uncomfortable it makes us both feel, because those are the ones who care about me and what happens to me more than they care about companionship at any price.

*"All men by nature desire to know. An indication of this is the delight we take in our senses; for even apart from their usefulness they are loved for themselves; and above all others the sense of sight. For not only with a view to action, but even when we are not going to do anything, we prefer sight to almost everything else. The reason is that this, most of all the senses, makes us know and brings to light many differences between things."
-Aristotle
Do we not use our sight to know light and dark, to know difference?

Vulnerable Maidens and Vengeful Mothers

"Persephone"
Persephone was the original little girl to fall down into Wonderland. Hades is played by Ralph Fiennes for a reason, by the way. Because he gives us all Stockholm Syndrome.

"The Ghost"
I had a dream about the Ghost of an angry Mother in a house that was haunted with her rage. The walls shook and howled.

Within the twilight chamber spreads apace
The shadow of white Death, and at the door
Invisible Corruption waits to trace
His extreme way to her dim dwelling-place;
The eternal Hunger sits, but pity and awe
Soothe her pale rage, nor dares she to deface
So fair a prey, till darkness, and the law
Of change, shall o’er his sleep the mortal curtain draw.
Adonais by Percy Bysshe Shelley