My livingroom, with Ghostbusters II playing on the TV.
And from the other side....
Showing posts with label happiness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label happiness. Show all posts
Monday, September 27, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Friend
–noun
1.
a person attached to another by feelings of affection, esteem, or personal regard.
This is a subject of particular relevance to me in the last year, because everywhere you go in mainstream American culture, you hear, "don't let any body judge you," "don't judge me!"
I've even been told by some rather needy people "not to judge" them when they spiral into self destruction or badly use myself or their other friends without return.
So, I wonder; where did this idea come from that we are supposed to suspend morality for our friends of all people?
I'm firm believer in the idea that we should be helping people through the hard times, and have history of doing so, but friendship should NEVER be unconditional. That's just a bunch of nonsense.
To me, friendship means that you have a relationship with some you like, have affection for, but most of all hold in mutual esteem.
I hear a lot of this grade-school romanticism talk wherein people say to each other, "I'll be there for you no matter what!"
No, I won't. I even had a conversation with my own mother, wherein we were in total agreement that if one of us became a Nazi we'd expect the other to cut that person off. I know that my mom holds not only love, but friendship for me as well, so it's out of respect for the person I am that she doesn't care for the person I'm not.
You hold friends responsible for what they do, if they are going through hard times then you exercise patience, give them chances to change their lives, and you help them out with all your reasonable(and some times not so reasonable) means, but if they become someone you don't like THEN THEY AREN'T YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE. Here, I am talking about behaviors that become habitual. I'm a firm believer that if friend A is behaving badly, and friend B is counseling A to make changes and A becomes unpleasantly recognizable, then B is not so much demonstrating loyalty as they are demonstrating codependency and facilitation.
I have found that it is characteristic of grade-school relationships (which are fewer but not gone in adult life) is that the only way B can help A change at this point is to send the most powerful message about A's behavior possible and break off contact. B can expound however they wish about how disappointed and unsettled they are about A's behavior, but if the behavior continues and B sticks around indefinitely, the only message A receives is that their behavior is ultimately allowable. Not only is this bad for B, it's extremely bad for A because it reinforces a lack of character and teaches them not to hold themselves accountable. This is a situation wherein "tough love" is necessary.
As I said, I don't AT ALL cleave to the notion that friendship means "no matter what."
Maybe that makes my friendships sound worthlessly conditional, but I like to think that I don't form friendships like some people form relationships; because I'm just plain scared of being alone, and that's going to be my overwhelming motivator.
No, friends, I won't be there for you no matter what. I love you for who you are, if you turn into a monster then you're some one else and not my friend.
I'm friends with you because of who you are, you earned it, I like you for your unique personality that includes traits I admire and hold in very high esteem. If you don't resemble that at all, no, I don't still like you. Why keep the flame going when it always ends in pain after that happens? There is more than enough emphirical support for that!
I'm a firm believer (maybe just short of Ayn Rand, haha) in respecting autonomy and the idea of the sacred definition of each personality. Respect yourself first, and you have the keys to the kingdom of respecting the whole world, and thereby using empathy effectively.
This definition of friendship I'm undressing does not respect individuals, neither B or A. That's the definition of co dependence. It's keeping acquaintances around cause you're too scared to end it and are afraid of having no one to drink with Saturday night.
The friends I have I love more than that, and that's why I can trust their particular brand of impartiality, because I know they'll check my behavior when I step out of line instead of permissively allowing me to fall into moral disrepair. Hard times are aptly the hardest times to make good decisions, and that's when you need people judging you the most. "Judging," as I hear it used by the layman, is often thought of as the opposite of it's definition; as forming a conclusion based on a lack of evidence. Judgment:
–noun
Only a real friend will have to cajones to speak up to me in spite of how uncomfortable it makes us both feel, because those are the ones who care about me and what happens to me more than they care about companionship at any price.
*"All men by nature desire to know. An indication of this is the delight we take in our senses; for even apart from their usefulness they are loved for themselves; and above all others the sense of sight. For not only with a view to action, but even when we are not going to do anything, we prefer sight to almost everything else. The reason is that this, most of all the senses, makes us know and brings to light many differences between things."
-Aristotle
Do we not use our sight to know light and dark, to know difference?
This is a subject of particular relevance to me in the last year, because everywhere you go in mainstream American culture, you hear, "don't let any body judge you," "don't judge me!"
I've even been told by some rather needy people "not to judge" them when they spiral into self destruction or badly use myself or their other friends without return.
So, I wonder; where did this idea come from that we are supposed to suspend morality for our friends of all people?
I'm firm believer in the idea that we should be helping people through the hard times, and have history of doing so, but friendship should NEVER be unconditional. That's just a bunch of nonsense.
To me, friendship means that you have a relationship with some you like, have affection for, but most of all hold in mutual esteem.
I hear a lot of this grade-school romanticism talk wherein people say to each other, "I'll be there for you no matter what!"
No, I won't. I even had a conversation with my own mother, wherein we were in total agreement that if one of us became a Nazi we'd expect the other to cut that person off. I know that my mom holds not only love, but friendship for me as well, so it's out of respect for the person I am that she doesn't care for the person I'm not.
You hold friends responsible for what they do, if they are going through hard times then you exercise patience, give them chances to change their lives, and you help them out with all your reasonable(and some times not so reasonable) means, but if they become someone you don't like THEN THEY AREN'T YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE. Here, I am talking about behaviors that become habitual. I'm a firm believer that if friend A is behaving badly, and friend B is counseling A to make changes and A becomes unpleasantly recognizable, then B is not so much demonstrating loyalty as they are demonstrating codependency and facilitation.
I have found that it is characteristic of grade-school relationships (which are fewer but not gone in adult life) is that the only way B can help A change at this point is to send the most powerful message about A's behavior possible and break off contact. B can expound however they wish about how disappointed and unsettled they are about A's behavior, but if the behavior continues and B sticks around indefinitely, the only message A receives is that their behavior is ultimately allowable. Not only is this bad for B, it's extremely bad for A because it reinforces a lack of character and teaches them not to hold themselves accountable. This is a situation wherein "tough love" is necessary.
As I said, I don't AT ALL cleave to the notion that friendship means "no matter what."
Maybe that makes my friendships sound worthlessly conditional, but I like to think that I don't form friendships like some people form relationships; because I'm just plain scared of being alone, and that's going to be my overwhelming motivator.
No, friends, I won't be there for you no matter what. I love you for who you are, if you turn into a monster then you're some one else and not my friend.
I'm friends with you because of who you are, you earned it, I like you for your unique personality that includes traits I admire and hold in very high esteem. If you don't resemble that at all, no, I don't still like you. Why keep the flame going when it always ends in pain after that happens? There is more than enough emphirical support for that!
I'm a firm believer (maybe just short of Ayn Rand, haha) in respecting autonomy and the idea of the sacred definition of each personality. Respect yourself first, and you have the keys to the kingdom of respecting the whole world, and thereby using empathy effectively.
This definition of friendship I'm undressing does not respect individuals, neither B or A. That's the definition of co dependence. It's keeping acquaintances around cause you're too scared to end it and are afraid of having no one to drink with Saturday night.
The friends I have I love more than that, and that's why I can trust their particular brand of impartiality, because I know they'll check my behavior when I step out of line instead of permissively allowing me to fall into moral disrepair. Hard times are aptly the hardest times to make good decisions, and that's when you need people judging you the most. "Judging," as I hear it used by the layman, is often thought of as the opposite of it's definition; as forming a conclusion based on a lack of evidence. Judgment:
–noun
1.
an act or instance of judging.
2.
the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, esp. in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion: a man of sound judgment.
3.
the demonstration or exercise of such ability or capacity: The major was decorated for the judgment he showed under fire.
4.
the forming of an opinion, estimate, notion, or conclusion, as from circumstances presented to the mind: Our judgment as to the cause of his failure must rest on the evidence.
5.
Anyone on the street can "be supportive" and tell me what I want to hear while I go on a drug bender and do all sorts of messed up things those around me, or some other such thing. Lying, bullshitting, and omission are surprisingly easy in the moment, even if they prove unprofitable in the long run.the opinion formed: He regretted his hasty judgment.
Notice that their are 4 perfectly lovely definitions of judgment before a negative context is presented. I think peoples' omission of this is behind a notion that we should suspend judgment. Which is just silly. Imagine walking around with your eyes closed to everything! Sadly it happens, and people who do so are mostly incapable of not forming mores of some kind,* simply end up applying it to themselves(don't judge me!) and still judge other people all the more sporadically, and therefore with extreme results(gossip instead of honestly telling some one how you feel).
Notice that their are 4 perfectly lovely definitions of judgment before a negative context is presented. I think peoples' omission of this is behind a notion that we should suspend judgment. Which is just silly. Imagine walking around with your eyes closed to everything! Sadly it happens, and people who do so are mostly incapable of not forming mores of some kind,* simply end up applying it to themselves(don't judge me!) and still judge other people all the more sporadically, and therefore with extreme results(gossip instead of honestly telling some one how you feel).
Only a real friend will have to cajones to speak up to me in spite of how uncomfortable it makes us both feel, because those are the ones who care about me and what happens to me more than they care about companionship at any price.
*"All men by nature desire to know. An indication of this is the delight we take in our senses; for even apart from their usefulness they are loved for themselves; and above all others the sense of sight. For not only with a view to action, but even when we are not going to do anything, we prefer sight to almost everything else. The reason is that this, most of all the senses, makes us know and brings to light many differences between things."
-Aristotle
Do we not use our sight to know light and dark, to know difference?
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Dreams Made Real:
As per this post:
We are currently having our house rewired. The workmen just discovered a Secret Room behind our kitchen. It's raised up, above our closet, but below the ceiling and attic. It's very very old, it probably hasn't been used as part of the house since the 1920s (or even later, depending on when the water heater and refrigerator nook was built in to the kitchen). It even still has some wallpaper up in it.
So Neat!!
I'll post pictures soon.
We are currently having our house rewired. The workmen just discovered a Secret Room behind our kitchen. It's raised up, above our closet, but below the ceiling and attic. It's very very old, it probably hasn't been used as part of the house since the 1920s (or even later, depending on when the water heater and refrigerator nook was built in to the kitchen). It even still has some wallpaper up in it.
So Neat!!
I'll post pictures soon.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
This-way-and-that...
Life has been good lately! This "status cloud" which was generated out of my Facebook status updates seem to confirm it.I feel as if I've made a lot of progress toward living that feeling I wrote about in my last entry. I had a wonderful day off the other day; huevos rancheros for brunch, time spent with friends, including a beautiful walk through the Mountainview Cemetery. It was a very nice day out, even though Spring still has another month to show up!
These three pictures are all from the Cemetery's website. I brought my camera with me, but lately I am trying to spend more time experiencing instead of documenting. Perhaps next time I will take more pictures, maybe when more trees are flowering.
This is a picture Poet took of me at the Marin Headlands, the only photo I have finished from that set. He's a procrastinator, it may be a while before we see the rest ^__^
Next:
New art....
I am extremely happy with this piece. It's colored pencil, acrylic gold paint, and liquid gold leaf on "Scarlet Letter" paper. It's St. Cecilia. St. Cecilia is my namesaint, Sheila being the anglicized version of Cecilia/Celia .
Saint Celicia was the patron saint of music, she converted her pagan husband to Christianity and revealed to him an angel who crowned them in garlands of roses and lilies. They were both martyred; first the Romans attempted to suffocate her in the baths, but it didn't kill her. Next, they attempted to decapitate her, but her head remained partially attached. It was said she lived for three days before perishing.
Next up, new things:
I love my new boots, I found them on sale, best of all! Just when the world is ready to get rid of all their winter items, I lie in wait, ready to snatch them up!Another new item, this one constructed by Your's Truly:
I made it using supplies from Michael's, and one of Poet's wisdom teeth.
It took me a very long time to drill through the tooth because I was worried about cracking it, but in the end it worked beautifully!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Soft Animal
I want to be high on life. I just made the most delicious scrabbled eggs with oregano, marjoram, and cheddar cheese. I enjoyed it so much that it literally tasted like happiness, especially with my tung ting ginseng oolong tea. I want more of that, simply enjoying what is happening to me.
I feel like I want to get out in that light, windy rain and go through a hike some place where there are trees, where it is green, gray, and heather brown....which could be many a place right now.
I found this poem on another blog today:
"You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves."
That part is my favorite.
Speaking of soft animals:
Me and my Tigerlily. She's still growing!
Yesterday we went out to the Marin Headlands for a fashion photoshoot. I don't have the pictures of myself modeling yet, but here are some of the location:
I didn't take any of these, hopefully we can post our own soon. It was a post-Apocalyptic themed shoot, you could see how that would work out in a place like this:
After that we went to Aziza for dinner. It was fantastic! I wish I could afford to eat there more often but sadly it is far, far out of my price range, we were only able to go because I had a gift certificate.
I had vegetable couscous with black trumpet mushrooms, and for dessert I had hazelnut dacquoise with pear, and burnt honey ice cream. It was as amazing as it sounds.
I feel like I want to get out in that light, windy rain and go through a hike some place where there are trees, where it is green, gray, and heather brown....which could be many a place right now.
I found this poem on another blog today:
WILD GEESE
by Mary Oliver
by Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
"You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves."
That part is my favorite.
Speaking of soft animals:
Me and my Tigerlily. She's still growing!
Yesterday we went out to the Marin Headlands for a fashion photoshoot. I don't have the pictures of myself modeling yet, but here are some of the location:
I didn't take any of these, hopefully we can post our own soon. It was a post-Apocalyptic themed shoot, you could see how that would work out in a place like this:
After that we went to Aziza for dinner. It was fantastic! I wish I could afford to eat there more often but sadly it is far, far out of my price range, we were only able to go because I had a gift certificate.
I had vegetable couscous with black trumpet mushrooms, and for dessert I had hazelnut dacquoise with pear, and burnt honey ice cream. It was as amazing as it sounds.
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